.a new chapter, a new beginning.

i believe that life is a book and we write the story,
with a little help from [fate] and others entering and leaving our life.
we can create a new chapter and new beginning;
well whenever we please.
we take responsibility for our actions,
and who says we cant change things when we please (within reason)
i think its about time i take my own advice,
like most people im better at giving advice than taking it and putting it into action.


however i have had alot of time to think.
about myself, who i am, who i am not and who i want to be.
about my family and my friends.
about the past, present and future.
and i need to take that faithful leap and let go.
let go off all the things that are holding me down.
that are holding me back from being, simply, happy.
it will be hard,
probably harder than i anticipate, but in saying that;
i have been through hard times that i never thought i would survive.

im not scared or ashamed to say that i have thought that it would
be easier to leave this earth.
to set my soul free from its physical form.
i did not think these things because im weak, everything can take its toll at some point.
but its upto you to fight back and to live on, through all the good and bad.
which is what i chose to do.
i felt this way because i let other people let me feel this way.
i let myself to be used as a door mat, to be walked all over and not say a word about it.
i then in turn decided that enough was enough, and in doing so life has revealed to me those who are true and those who are not.


i was and to be honest still am, going through the motions of my choices and my wanting to be happy and loved for me.
it was not because i was selfish. not because i was rude. and not even because i finally realised my own worth.
but because i chose to live life, take chances and live with no regret.
this clashed with other peoples views and it is there right to have their own views,
however it is my right to do what i choose and decide whos advice i take and use,
and whos advice i disagree with.
i understood fully what other people wanted of me and it was their closed minded views
which forced them to completely ignore what i wanted.
i am working hard to get back to a frame of mind where i can accept myself again.
to look in the mirror and be content in what i see.
to be repair the damage that my ora has under gone these past months.
no one (including myself) deserves the treatment of harsh words and actions that others
are so easy to provide without thought or compassion or just to make them feel better about themselves.
i have never before let anyone make me feel so self worthless as i have this year,
to make me question everything i stand for and want out of life.
to make me think that i do not deserve to be happy or be in love.


[[im so lucky that have not had to go through this alone, 
i am so grateful and have so much love for my family; especially my sister, my two amazing aunties and miss shona that know me inside and out. 
that snapped me back to reality on more than one occasion and force me to remind myself that i am so much more than i think.
also to my gorgeous friend who has the kindest heart i have met.]]


i have suffered from the words people speak of me, where they may only know my name,
not who i am.
they may have only listened to what i have done, but do not know my story.


i realised now that i do not want to be a person to sit by and watch as something like this happens to someone else, to someone i love and care about.
everyone has emotions and a heart.

[a heart that beats and that breaks the same as the next. that feels, wants, needs and loves. yet on lookers shadow their compassion.]


{eyes that can see what others are capable of, yet they look away.}


[ears that hear the words, the rumours and yet they turn away from the sound.]


{a brain with their own thoughts and that understands the repercussions of these actions and words, yet they put it to the back of their mind.}


[and the worst part is that they have a mouth;
a mouth that can speak up and say that its wrong what others are doing, yet they either join in or worse.... they say nothing.
they do nothing.
they do not get involved, because it is not their problem....
there is a difference between it not being your problem and not standing up for someone because you're sacred to stand alone.]


i will not be that person.


i still love and appreciate the people in my life that know my story personally and have not said anything. i do not look down on them for their actions or lack of actions.
because everyone is different and it does not make them bad people.
i know i am too forgiving and that may have added to my current situation,
but im not going to turn into someone i dont like and dont want to be.
i have not forced anyone to change for the sake of me or my thoughts,
so how is it fair that they asked that of me and walk away when i say no?


i am drying my tears, mending my heart and putting my trust in those i know i can trust.
i have learnt so many things,
and i am so lucky to have been through everything i have.
as hard as it has been i am so proud of who i am,
and that i have not lowered my standards to those around me, just to satisfy them
i refuse take your bait,
i will not let you take advantage of me anymore.
you can say and do as you please and will do that same.
i will no longer let you make me feel small,
while you sit there on your pedestal, looking down on others like you are better than them.
you are no better than me.
i dont wish anything bad to happen to you, that you walk a mile in my shoes,
because no one deserves to feel the way i have, not even as karma.
although i now appreciate things so much more.
i just hope one day you can realise your mistakes, your negative energy and turn it around.
do something useful with your words and actions instead of putting down others to make yourself feel better.


maybe one day?


i hope others that have been through similar things can relate to my (less than detailed) story and i hope you have had the strength to get through your darkest days.
that you can now smile and feel content.
because it is not selfish to want to do things for you and think about yourself from time to time. its your inner happiness that can help others through their tough times.
i believe a free and happy ora is one of the most beautiful things you can own.
so this is why the beginning of a new chapter in my life begins today.
it consists of drinking tea, burning incense, listening to music, singing, dancing and cleaning my room. (haha less desirable thing to do, but reality is it must be done, once again)


i will try to bring happiness and positivity to everything i do.
im not perfect, i know i will relapse but i will remind myself of the joys in life and why my life is actually pretty amazing! :)
being angry, sad and down is apart of life, embrace it, cry, breathe, let all the negative energy out and replace it will positive energy.
things can always get better, you never know what is waiting around the corner.


love and peace.
S