The story of my life..

Hope.
Like.
Rejection.
Pain.
Tears.
Hurt.
Anger.
Stupid.
Predictable.

I don't know how to be something you.. Miss.
Want.
Need.

Uncharted

I've pushed the idea away for so long that's it's strange to open myself up to it.

The other played games for so long,
I know the maze off by heart.

I'm over whelmed.
I didn't think I was able to feel this way again.
(For another)

Excited. Giddy. Nervous. Wanting more but forcing myself to be patient. Craving the attention but not wanting to risk it all just yet.

(I'm damaged...
I thought it was impossible.)

You sit here next to me and I feel my heart beating out of my chest.
I wonder if you can tell.
I wonder after all these years something in you can rekindle.
Bring back the way you felt about me so long ago.

Has my ship sailed. Am I too late again?
I kept my distance because of a bet.
A silly bet..
But maybe now the timing is right?

I want to collide with you.
Crash into your arms and have you hold me.
Feel nothing but warmth.
Hear nothing but your heart beat.

I wonder how long until I can.
If it will be a fate that belongs to us.
Or wither with time instead of bloom with the spring.
Questions filling my mind.
Listless with their twisted answers.

Soon I keep telling myself, soon.

seasons

the sky fades,
leaves fall.
the air changes.
a cool breeze caresses my face,
much like your finger tips.
my lips seek yours,
you are not here.
the darkness consumes me.
its feels like years.
we are older,
none the wiser.
the winter will find us again.
lost in the shadows.
beneath the covers,
seeking warmth.
awaiting another spring,
to be reborn.
new love from an old seed,
slow growth.
one day to shine bright like the stars,
on clear nights.
rising to summer days.
beside me.
hope.

Oh Claude,
The ache.
The longing ache.
Consuming.
A love not returned.
You're a ghost that lingers.
Ripping into my flesh,
Through bone.
My heart.
The shape of your face,
It does that.
Your eyes see through me.
Invisible.
The sun sets.
We shared these water coloured skies,
Once.
Oh Claude.

memoirs of a nurse.

Tonight.
Not completely unlike other nights,
but enough to let it sink in far enough,
Was rough.
My work isn't glamorous, or sexy.
Nurses don't wear short white skirts.
Slink around the wards, chatting up doctors.
We are there when something goes wrong.
When you are sick and vomiting.
When you cant walk on your own.
When you feel completely helpless and hopeless.
When you cant shower yourself,
or toilet yourself.
When you cant breathe.
We assess and we react.
We get the doctors to you.
We get you reviewed and then,
then we put into practice your plan of treatment.
We assess your medication.
We know what each one does.
We educate you.
We encourage your independence.
We soothe you when you are suffering.
We are run off our feet yet still want to listen,
We want to help for those 8 hours,
when you are our responsibility.
We cant always fix it,
but we will make it as bearable as possible.
We try to make you laugh.
We hold your hand as you cry.
We are human too.

I was reminded of my humanity tonight.
one patient to remind me,
How my heart broke the day my grandfather passed away.
How I had to hold it together for everyone else.
I was a nurse.
It was expected of me,
to stay strong and answer questions.
Still is.
Do what I do for every family of a patient I care for.
I spent time with him in hospital during my placements,
my days off,
my work breaks.
I helped him to walk when he couldn't even stand.
I shaved his face when he wasn't able to.
I sat with him as he slept in hospital beds.
I went to appointments and relayed information the doctor told him,
in ways he could understand.
I assessed him every time to I saw him,
I was his advocate even when he didn't know who I was.
how I loved him and he loved me even when I seemed like a bully.
I was reminded tonight of him,
and how scared I am to grow old.
How much I miss my pappa.
How much I miss him calling me a name that wasn't even my name.
How I know he was so proud of me for being a nurse,
for being a Calvary nurse.
How comforting my nanna breaks me,
every time.
That no matter how much I become 'immune' or 'accustomed' to life and death.
I'm not.
I'm still human.
I still cry.
I still love.
and I still lose.

So I guess this post is a bit of.
I miss my pappa so much.
I love my job.
And screw those who think nurses are a joke!