The story of my life..

Hope.
Like.
Rejection.
Pain.
Tears.
Hurt.
Anger.
Stupid.
Predictable.

I don't know how to be something you.. Miss.
Want.
Need.

Uncharted

I've pushed the idea away for so long that's it's strange to open myself up to it.

The other played games for so long,
I know the maze off by heart.

I'm over whelmed.
I didn't think I was able to feel this way again.
(For another)

Excited. Giddy. Nervous. Wanting more but forcing myself to be patient. Craving the attention but not wanting to risk it all just yet.

(I'm damaged...
I thought it was impossible.)

You sit here next to me and I feel my heart beating out of my chest.
I wonder if you can tell.
I wonder after all these years something in you can rekindle.
Bring back the way you felt about me so long ago.

Has my ship sailed. Am I too late again?
I kept my distance because of a bet.
A silly bet..
But maybe now the timing is right?

I want to collide with you.
Crash into your arms and have you hold me.
Feel nothing but warmth.
Hear nothing but your heart beat.

I wonder how long until I can.
If it will be a fate that belongs to us.
Or wither with time instead of bloom with the spring.
Questions filling my mind.
Listless with their twisted answers.

Soon I keep telling myself, soon.

seasons

the sky fades,
leaves fall.
the air changes.
a cool breeze caresses my face,
much like your finger tips.
my lips seek yours,
you are not here.
the darkness consumes me.
its feels like years.
we are older,
none the wiser.
the winter will find us again.
lost in the shadows.
beneath the covers,
seeking warmth.
awaiting another spring,
to be reborn.
new love from an old seed,
slow growth.
one day to shine bright like the stars,
on clear nights.
rising to summer days.
beside me.
hope.

Oh Claude,
The ache.
The longing ache.
Consuming.
A love not returned.
You're a ghost that lingers.
Ripping into my flesh,
Through bone.
My heart.
The shape of your face,
It does that.
Your eyes see through me.
Invisible.
The sun sets.
We shared these water coloured skies,
Once.
Oh Claude.

memoirs of a nurse.

Tonight.
Not completely unlike other nights,
but enough to let it sink in far enough,
Was rough.
My work isn't glamorous, or sexy.
Nurses don't wear short white skirts.
Slink around the wards, chatting up doctors.
We are there when something goes wrong.
When you are sick and vomiting.
When you cant walk on your own.
When you feel completely helpless and hopeless.
When you cant shower yourself,
or toilet yourself.
When you cant breathe.
We assess and we react.
We get the doctors to you.
We get you reviewed and then,
then we put into practice your plan of treatment.
We assess your medication.
We know what each one does.
We educate you.
We encourage your independence.
We soothe you when you are suffering.
We are run off our feet yet still want to listen,
We want to help for those 8 hours,
when you are our responsibility.
We cant always fix it,
but we will make it as bearable as possible.
We try to make you laugh.
We hold your hand as you cry.
We are human too.

I was reminded of my humanity tonight.
one patient to remind me,
How my heart broke the day my grandfather passed away.
How I had to hold it together for everyone else.
I was a nurse.
It was expected of me,
to stay strong and answer questions.
Still is.
Do what I do for every family of a patient I care for.
I spent time with him in hospital during my placements,
my days off,
my work breaks.
I helped him to walk when he couldn't even stand.
I shaved his face when he wasn't able to.
I sat with him as he slept in hospital beds.
I went to appointments and relayed information the doctor told him,
in ways he could understand.
I assessed him every time to I saw him,
I was his advocate even when he didn't know who I was.
how I loved him and he loved me even when I seemed like a bully.
I was reminded tonight of him,
and how scared I am to grow old.
How much I miss my pappa.
How much I miss him calling me a name that wasn't even my name.
How I know he was so proud of me for being a nurse,
for being a Calvary nurse.
How comforting my nanna breaks me,
every time.
That no matter how much I become 'immune' or 'accustomed' to life and death.
I'm not.
I'm still human.
I still cry.
I still love.
and I still lose.

So I guess this post is a bit of.
I miss my pappa so much.
I love my job.
And screw those who think nurses are a joke!

year in review.

My year in review.
2013.
It seems to have been a pretty lucky one for several people, myself included.
Of course it has had its good and bad times.
Fighting good against evil on several occasions but looking back I have some very fond memories.

I started my graduate year as a registered nurse at a private hospital.
I had the guidance of an amazing educator Nadia, I'm so blessed to have been chosen by this wise and beautiful soul.
I found my love for oncology greater than I expected and was lucky enough to get a permanent position back on that ward next year.
I also made so many amazing and beautiful new friends. We have shared moments that each of us understands when working as a new nurses, the struggles and the high feelings you get when helping someone in need.
We raised over $7000 for charity together.
I graduated from university and learnt to IV cannulate.
I went to my first patient funeral.

Two of my best friends got engaged on top of Mordor and I was asked to be Maid of Honour.
I cannot wait to be there to watch them and help celebrate their love and the start their lives together as a family.
They have showed me so much about love, compassion, loyalty and friendship.

I saw the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra play with Sarah Blasko.
I experienced Laneway Festival, Tegan & Sara, Matt Corby and Passenger.
I went to Crush Wine Festival and indulged in all the splendours SA has to offer.
I have grown to love board games other than scrabble and phase 10, I have read 15 books.
I threw my mum a surprise birthday dinner.
I have baked red velvet cake 7 times through out the year.
I ate sushi, played card games in the corner of the Fin Maccools pub with my closest friends for my birthday.
I travelled overseas for the first time and saw first hand another culture and way of life which made my appreciate the life we lead in Australia.

I started my clinical honours and have stuck to it so far, only 2 assignments to go.
I lost my grandfather to cancer before Christmas.
I received an amazing present from my cousin's boyfriend to see Josh Pyke in 2014.
I can now cross boxing day test match, ashes match and cricket at the MCG off my bucket list.
I completed the city to bay 12k run. (running and walking)

Looking back on 2013 makes me realise just how lucky I am.
This year even after all the things I've accomplished, I have felt like I have just existed through the days.
Working hard and learning so much during my grad year, I hope to live more next year and fully appreciate the life I lead.
Spend time with friends and get absorbed in the little things that make life worth living.
See the world and all the beauty in it.
Meet new people and experience new things.
I hope everyone has an exciting new year of new things and appreciating the old ones.

words of messy ink

I have this book I write in, I try to write in it when I feel sad or confused or happy.
Just a way to get all the muddle out of my head. Raw, often misspelt muddle.
Some of my entries are from this book.

Date: 20.12.13

Part One
I'm an emotional travesty.
A delicate flower picked and left to wilt.
It is surreal that you're gone.
Your soul has left this planet,
You took your last breath.
Even after seeing you, cold, lifeless, in that box.
We will miss you more than we know.
Such a big part of our lives, lost forever.
The pain has ended in many ways.
Yet the clouds fill the sky,
The thunder sounds.
You are buried deep now.
To finally rest.
See you on the next great adventure.

Part Two
You leave my world continuously,
Broken and confused.
Rotting from the inside out,
Losing hope.
Recovery emerges.
Life begins again.
It's the spring after the winter,
But like the seasons, you return..
Why?
What do I offer you?
A boost to your ego?
A way to pass the time..
When you're bored with your other toys?
To only toss me away again like an autumn leaf.
Not today.
You show yourself again,
Appear from the shadows and demand my attention.
On a day when my heart was already broken.
So there is nothing left to break,
Nothing for you here any more.

little lights

[I have all these notepad icons living on my desktop
thoughts written in times of despair and hope.
I hope this one doesn't get forgotten, it will be a delayed post due to my Internet playing up...again #firstworldproblems. right?]

Tonight I made my way to the grand old Thebarton Theatre and had the honour of watching live, with many others; quite a few many others, the one and only Passenger.
[He also goes by the name Mike]
Now that I have made my way home, done all the pre-bed rituals that inhabit me late at night, I'm not sure how to put the experience into words.
Firstly, he of course is amazingly talented, this is obvious if you just listen to his music.
But it's more than that..
He a good human being. He has done it tough as many other musicians have before him, yet he is still humble even with his fame now.
Now I'm not claiming to know him on any personal level, but this shone through to me tonight.
It was in his chats with his audience, how he wanted to get everyone involved, he joked with us and at him self.
He was real. He had an understanding for life and being in life, in the moment.
Appreciating it for all its glory.
You can hear this in his lyrics.
He knows where he has come from, where he is now, where he wants to be, even if the road is not mapped yet.
He will do it with grace and humility which is refreshing to see.
So I took a little piece of advice from him tonight.
[I've been trying to do this as often as I can by following some Buddhist truths, but a little friendly reminder in the form of Mike Rosenberg is nice]
I drove home, windows down, music off and was in the moment.
Luckily for me the night was just perfect, clear and cool. It made for a pleasant and calming drive home.
I returned home, waited for out sensor light to switch off, then laid down in the middle of our lawn and looked up at the sky.
The stars, even with the light pollution, were beautiful.
[Those little shiny balls of fire always are]
It is hard to remember to look up when we are caught so heavily in ourselves, past and future, to appreciate the now.
Then to my surprise I cried.. Tears for my close friend who has lost someone close to her. For the beauty of the night I just experienced and the good vibes streaming from the stage. For my grandfather who is stubborn and is on a time limit shorter than we expected. For the lovers and for the lost.
It was a strange moment but I took it and ran with it.
I'm trying to be closer to myself, know myself, pass on kindness to others and appreciate what life has in store for me.
Tonight was a wonderful reminder to look outside the box, out your window, from behind the screen of your phone, camera, computer.
Be there. Right there in it. Because you might not be again.
Actually you won't be, you won't be in the same time, or place and feel the same things again so why not enjoy it and express as much positive energy as you can.
Make life uplifting rather than drowning.

So as I part tonight I am thankful for my job and the people I work with, the money I earn pays for my life and the ticket to tonight's show, I thank Abby my beautiful friend for braving the world in her time of sorrow, to see the show tonight, I hope your heavy heart was lifted if only just a little [I'm thinking of you] and thank you to Mike for gracing us with your presence, beautiful lyrics, music and voice. Adelaide is once again much richer from your visit tonight.

i base all of my thoughts and feelings about you,
on the past.
of past memories and feelings.
those days are gone.
you need to man up stop pretending to be there,
stop treating me like a second prize.
someone to speak to when you're feeling sad,
or sick,
or lonely.
you need to work for my affections.
be a gentleman,
appreciate me and deserve my attention.
at the moment you are none of these.
therefore i have nothing for you.
let me go.

mike rosenberg

i just had a long hot bath and glass of $40 a bottle shiraz with the one and only Passeneger.
we sang a bit of a duet together, the bathroom tiles gave off the best acoustics.
oh it was magical.
never mind him being somewhere in England at the moment.
we shared something very special in between the bubbles and the stereo where his sweet sweet voice echoed.
so what, i enjoy many romantic baths alone, yelling at cats, getting ever so slightly inebriated off wine.
never such classy wine so that was a first.
i figure why not immerse your self in sweet smelling water and bubbles
there is nothing as glorious.. nothing.
and i did this full well knowing i have an assignment due in just over 24 hours. luckily for me i only had to re-read and find some references for my babble before submitting it.
i have that mixed feeling of butterflies being captured and slaughtered in my stomach.
you know that relief its over yet unsettled because it wasn't that great but hoping it was enough pass.
i have a more exciting task for the end of the week...
BAKING! (*@#^%)#@$

we are holding our very last and probably best fundraiser for work on friday night.
moooooovie night. yeeeah.
what am i baking... no freaking idea
will it be delicious... well i hope freaking so
that will be the bain (insert bain voice here) of my existence all week, to figure out what to bake.
ALSO to book into my sisters cute and very good physio, i need him to feel me up, i mean feel my back, i mean fell the knots in my back and get them the hell out!

to finish on a good note, i've decided to abandon the cats for a night and sleep in my new bed!
weeeeow
mainly because i really really want to sleep in it and i have an early on tuesday.. ill give them some TCL that night, if they are lucky.
house sitting was way more fun when i was younger and didn't have so many responsibilities.
i should be having a raging party, instead i have baths, drink wine, eat cheese.... actually, that's way better.